Slaraffenland talk about sneaking out of older ladies houses

Chris from Slaraffenland let us corner him and talk about sneaking out of older ladies beds.

What's your favorite love song?
"All I Need" by Radiohead

Why is that your favorite love songs?
I love Thom York's lyrics. This song just really captures being in love for me...

What would you prefer to be in, love or lust?
Both... With the same person

What was your first kiss like?
It was weird. It was in 5th grade. When you kiss someone you have to make the kissing sound. Neither of us did that so it just felt like bumping into each other.

How do you know when you're in love?
I think it depends on how old you are. When you are teenager it feels a lot different, at least it did for me. In general I guess being in love makes you do crazy stuff like biking a long way to catch a glimpse of the one. Being with my girlfriend I've discovered that it feels even stronger to pass the "falling in love state" and really start loving someone.

What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for someone?
I had to think about this a while. Guess that's a bad thing! I'm pretty good at taking my girlfriend on romantic vacations to European cities a couple of times a year.

What's your worst heartbreak story?
I had a girlfriend for quite a few years when I was a teenager and she was a few years older than me. At some point she moved to London (from Denmark) to study. I visited her once in London and that was when she broke up with me. She had too many new things in her life and didn't want the long distance thing. This was 10 years ago and I didn't go back to London before this fall!

What was your worst ever sexual experience?
Ha. Many years ago I had an experience that I luckily don't remember that well! It involves a lot of alcohol, a woman that's a lot older than me, me waking up naked not knowing where I am, the woman lying naked beside me, me panicking, lying about my name and running out of her house without my shoes on. The whole thing was quite terrifying!

What would turn you off a girl?
Without sounding too holy. I really get turned on by good personalities. Guess the opposite really turns me off.


WORDS: Kylie Griffiths
PHOTOS: Slaraffendland Myspace

SMASN & GRAB w/ NAIVE NEW BEATERS!

SMASH AND GRAB 03.12.09

Words by Charlotte McManus

Photos by Gabriel Love

How good were Naïve New Beaters tonight?! For those of you who missed them, they’re a smiley, sex-stuffed package combining rap, rock, electro and silly dance sequences. As the lights dimmed, the trio marched on stage with synths and sparklers, and proceeded to blast the ears off everyone with frantic neon happy-vibes.

“I see decoration here, I see love, I see hearts…we’re gonna give some hearts…can you do some hearts?” Singer David Boring asks. Love? Hearts? That’s only what Smash and Grab does best…as seen during ’The Friendship Song’, which has everybody literally cuddling on the dancefloor. Beautiful.

Our shiny new Smash and Grab hologram looked lovely, whirling over all the revelry. The Christmas mood is really revving up now, isn’t it? Proud’s decorations are creating as much festive warmth as necking three glasses of mulled wine at once, and there were the odd one or two of you already wearing antlers and Santa hats; I’m pretty sure I heard a dirty joke involving a nun and a candy cane. 22 DAYS TO GO! Being the season of good will to all men and whatever, make sure you’re doing your best to spread the love…wear a new dress, kiss that special someone, buy me a drink…and, most important of all; dance, dance, dance.

If any of you mess-heads haven’t already done so, make sure you check out the Clown Photo-booth on your next visit…you simply haven’t lived until you’ve been decked out with a sparkly wig, red nose and ultra-flattering circus outfit. A look one hundred per cent guaranteed to get you some sex. Or at the very least, some boob.

Quote of the night? This bizarre offering from a rather intoxicated gent in a suit: “You see stables, you see poles, you expect horses, you expect ketamine but no…everyone’s having a very nice time having fun with their friends…and that’s just how I like it.” Sentiment’s there, I suppose.

FEEL THE LOVE

Bleech talk about love and lust

We spoke to Catherine and Matt from Bleech about being cradle snatched and Cannibal Corpse.

What's your favorite love song?
Catherine: Marvin Gaye "Let's get it on"
Matt: "Addicted to Vaginal Skin" by Cannibal Corpse, that's a pretty good one.

Very romantic Matt. Why are they your favorite love songs?
Matt: It's romantic to people who like Death Metal. Love is pretty brutal but it's also exciting
Catherine: Because it's an obvious love song
Matt: Actually I'd say it's a prelude to sex, it's a foreplay song.

What would you prefer to be in, love or lust?
M: Love is a long term thing, whereas lust is short term and quite disappointing.
C: Lust is more exciting than love though
M: Catherine's a bit of a man eater

How'd you gain that reputation?
C: Only Matt thinks that really (laughs)

What was your first kiss like?
C: I think I had braces still
M: Wet, the wettest kiss I've ever had. I might as well have kissed a spaniel

How do you know when you're in love?
M: It's different for everyone, but you just know. That's very corny but you do just know. Actually I'm in love with Alison Mossheart as well as my girlfriend, but my girlfriend loves Alex James more than me, if he asked her out she'd blow me off in a second.

What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for someone?
M: I've just done simple things, took her out for a nice meal, the theatre, went home and had a coffee
C: When I was in Primary School, I made a Valentines Card for this boy that I loved, and I wrote my name on the end, but I forgot you're not meant to do that so I had to scrub my name out, but you could still tell it was from me.

What's your worst heartbreak story?
M: I was cradle snatched, at school. I was going out with this 18 year old girl and I was in lower school, and I was on my way to see my step-gran one day, and she told me it wasn't working because I couldn't get into any pubs with her.
C: I think it was when the love affair with me and John Lennon ended

What was your worst ever sexual experience?
M: I fell off a bed once and smacked my head off her wardrobe.

What would turn you off a girl?
M: Failure of grooming, facial hair

What would turn you off a guy?
C: Probably, if he had really bad breath
M: There's an actual name for that you know
K: Halitosis
M: Oh god, that sounds terrible.

WORDS: Kylie Griffiths
PHOTOS: Nicole Kai

SMASH & GRAB with BLEECH and TURBO FRUITS

SMASH AND GRAB 26.11.09

Words by Charlotte McManus

Photos by Gabriel Love

Rock n’ roll shook everyone’s boots tonight: blowing amps, ripping clothes and making us sweat like we haven’t done since we were sixteen.

Turbo Fruits started the night off to a headbanging start with their own special brand of plaid-shirt frenzy. The crowd was soon pummeled into shape by tracks like ‘Know Too Much’ and ‘Volcano’, with singer Jonas Stein [formerly of Be Your Own Pet] groaning and wrapping his lips around the mike like a first girlfriend. The end song, a fantastic cover of ‘Teenage Kicks’ was a perfect choice for the band’s garage-band feel; more than one person was left hoarse from screaming those immortal lines, ‘I wanna hold her wanna hold her tight…’. Definite Smash and Grab love material!

I caught up with Jonas after the set, and asked him what he thinks of Proud. “Well,” he drawls, grinning in his slow Southern way, “…it kinda reminds me of the horse stables I used to work in back in Tennessee…on Ecstasy.”

As usual, our Dress-Up Box provided the best outfits of the night. One stylish guy tried out a dress, a skirt as a shawl and shorts for a hat; was he going for an interesting twist on Eastern-European famine-chic? Maybe. Was he fabulous? Undeniably.

Just when we thought it was safe to let the parents in, Bleech arrived. The 3-piece rock sirens pushed the crowd to breaking point with grinding guitars, sexed-up snarls and vocals like cigarettes and lipstick. Listening to ‘Is It True That Boys Don’t Cry’ it feels as though we should really be in a seedy Vegas back-alley, knocking back shots of Jaeger as a truck driver inks in our latest skull/heart tattoo.

At one point I stumble past a girl wearing a T-Shirt bearing the print ‘Stay Calm and Carry On’. It seems appropriate, somehow.

Babyshambles LIVE at Smash and Grab

by Charlotte McManus

Remember Remember the Fifth of November…the night Pete came out to play…

Wow. Here at Proud this Bonfire eve there were fireworks inside and out as Babyshambles graced the stage. What a band. What a night. What a mess. We should have won some sort of prize.

Once word was out that the group was on their way a swarm of trilby-doffing indie kids descended on the Galleries. The heat and excitement built fast, and within minutes, there wasn’t even enough room to swing a fringe. Just when it seemed that the tension would be too much [to keep a drink steady, at least] – there he was. Stepping out into the romantic pink lights, Mr. Pete himself, with a firecracker in his hat and his heart on his sleeve. Cue rapture.

Without any need for further ado Babyshambles ripped into a fantastic set, which included several shiny new gems from the upcoming album amongst the old favourites. Song of the night? Impossible! There had to be two: the cover of ‘Billie Jean’, and satirical newbie, ‘The BNP Blues’ both went down to frantic approval, with pointy shoes kicking up vintage love every which way. When ‘Killamangiro’ starts up the dusty spotlights, together with every twang of those oh-so-familiar chords draw us irresistibly back to past summers by Camden Lock, where everyone has a cider, a Union-jack tee and a don’t-give-a-fuck grin. Magic.

“Got a fag for the band?” Pete asks, causing the crowd to almost kill each other in their enthusiasm to oblige. It wasn’t just skinny cigarettes that were flying; Proud was shaken to its very foundations as fans swarmed the stage. Blood, sweat and screams overload the senses as everybody tried to cop a feel of their idol [it must have sounded like an abattoir from outside], but luckily the situation didn’t get out of hand!

Ending on the iconic ‘Fuck Forever’, Babyshambles take their leave. I ask a wine-stained, blissed-out fan to sum up the night. He replies simply, “Euphoric”, and then stumbles off to collapse somewhere quiet.

SMASH AND GRAB! – Halloween Dead Celebrities 29/10/09

By Charlotte McManus

It’s that tricksy, treatsy time of year again, and we at Smash and Grab strived to live up to the auspicious Halloween name with our fabulous ‘Dead Celebrities’ night! For those of you doughnuts out there who didn’t make it, you missed out! It was…FRIGHTFULLY good.



As usual, our live acts didn’t disappoint! After Sally warmed up the masses with sleek style behind the decks, Internet Forever came bouncing out to deliver their own special brand of fizzy indie pop. “It’s an honour to play in a room with so many pictures of the Kings of Leon”, singer Laura Wolf confesses. Listening to their adorably nostalgic sound, you can’t help but compare them to that rare and very special garment you sometimes discover at the back of a vintage shop, covered in sequins and happiness. And it’s always nice to see a band who all have lovely haircuts.

Later, Teeth!!! rev up the tempo with frenetic strobe-lit madness. Throwing shapes that would put a Transformer to shame, zombified brides, cats and vampires are punched and pummelled by the dirty, bass-tastic frenzy; even the hanging plastic bats are feeling the heat.

In between bands, I set up base in the Dress-Up Box and turned my very inexperienced hand to Zombie Makeovers. For only a pound I worked magic on unsuspecting mugs with my trusty sponges, makeup and fake blood. “This feels SO wrong,” groans one happy customer, as red slides down his neck [N.B. Smash and Grab is not liable for any dry-cleaning costs incurred]. Zombies galore, several Jokers and one very cross-eyed Harry Potter were soon rummaging happily around for silly Dress-Up threads to complete their look. Outfit of the night? One suave Italian gentleman, donning a jester hat, red wool leggings and a natty Christmas jumper to match the gore spouting from most of his orifices. The scariest costume, however, went to a man wearing from the neck up what can only be described as a gigantic cardboard cow head, which was bloody terrifying! It was like that old Cravendale advert [‘The cows want it back’] come to life in all-too-real 3-D. Brr.

For the last live act, Teengirl Fantasy took the stage. Their echoing vocals and flickering, pulsing dub beats created an altogether otherworldly ambience, sounding like a robot on a long-distance call across several distorted seas. The track ‘Love Don’t Live Here’ saw three undead belles hazily embrace, with several couples kissing in time to slow sways. Do androids dream of electric love? Teengirl Fantasy might well cause you to believe it.

Finally, DJs Love Supreme wash us all away on a sea of loved-up party songs ‘til the end of the night, with such classics as ‘I Was Meant for Loving You Baby’, ‘Lovecats’ and ‘Don’t You Want Me’ churning out enough sparkles and serotonin to make every happy little zombie go home with a smile.

So, as Halloween ends for another year, us at Smash and Grab want to say THANK YOU to all you fitties for making it such a good one! Definitely a night to remember. I only hope that there weren’t too many old ladies on the nightbus back – that gore was pretty realistic.

Futurecop! talk about "Beauty and the Beast" and Celine Dion

I spoke to the Futurecop! boys, Peter and Manzur, about "Beauty and the Beast", Celine Dion and falling for "yardies"


Hi guys. So, do you guys believe in love?
Manzu: Of course!
Peter: (long delay) Yeah..

That wasn't very sure Peter.
M: I belive in love!
P: You, believe in love?
M: Yeah! Of course I do

Why do you believe in love?
M: "Beauty and the beast", when I watched it for the first time,that was it. Honestly I want something like "Beauty and the Beast".

Do you believe in love at first sight?
M: Maybe, but I think you have to get to know them
P: You can't look at someone and love them, it's impossible, you can be really attracted to someone
M: I think infatuation is love at first sight
P: Love at first sight is only for idiots
M: No, it's not, that's how Peter and me work well together because we're opposites. Love at first sight is bloody real

Hold on, I thought you didn't believe in it?
M: I do believe in it I just think it's more infatuation than love

If you had to choose between love or lust?
M: Love
P: Lust
M: Love of course, why would you want to choose lust?
P: It's more exciting
M: No way, love is more exciting.

Have you ever been in love?
P: No
M: Yeah, about five times, every weekend I'm in love with another girl!

What's your worst heartbreak story?
M: In college, I liked this "yardie" girl. I think it was because she was distant from me, but she was really hot. I really liked her, but she didn't want me. She's really fat now though

What was your first kiss?
P: I was about 13 or 14

Anything special?
P: Nah, it was just a kiss
M: My first kiss was when I was 18 it took me a long time, I was a bit of a geek when I was younger. The "yardie" girl, I kissed her and she was a bit weird

What's your favourite love song?
M: Celine Dione, the Beauty and the Beast song, and Mariah Carey and Luther Vandross
P: That is, really mushy..
M: It's wicked I love it!
P: I like Human League, Human
M: The beauty and the beast song kills it

What traits would make you go off of a girl?
M: Drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. Alcohols alright, but not too much and not too many drugs. I like nice girls
P: Nice girls don't do anything, they just sit there. I don't like girls being boring, being cheap, and going on about un-important things
M: I don't like girls who think they're too cool, I like girls that are down to earth
P: When girls bite their nails, I really hate that

What would make you fall for a girl?
M: She's got to be hot, and she's got to be down to Earth, and love good music
P: Interesting, and talented


What's your worst ever date experience?
M: I picked up one girl for a date from student halls, and she was horrible, just really boring
P: Did you have sex with her anyway?
M: Hell no! She wanted it though, but I was like, "I have better things to do, I'm going home to play computer games."
P: I went out with a girl once, it was going badly but I didn't realise because I was so drunk. We went to a pub to meet her friends, one of her friends came over and told me to call it day

Ouch.
P: Yep, I didn't realise at all because I was so drunk. It was a valuable lesson I think, don't get too drunk

What's your worst ever sexual experience?
M: Pass on me, my mum might read this
P: As if. Mine is, when you're so drunk that someone tells you to stop

Erm okay. Thanks guys!

www.myspace.com/thefuturecop

WORDS: KYLIE GRIFFITHS

Mumford and Sons talk about getting caught on the kitchen table.

Mumford and Sons had a quick chat with me about love, lust and getting caught by their parents on the kitchen table.


What's your favorite love song?
Soldier on by Temperature.

Why's that?
I think it's the only song that sums up what love is about, because it's not a beautiful thing that people should just sing about. I think it's a reality of how shit love is.

Do you think you've ever been in love?
I've been in love a few times.

What do you think the difference is between love and lust?
I'd say lust is a lot more fun, love's a lot more trying. Lust is just awesome. I'm basically just planning on living on a few years of lust.
Love inspires songs but I'm pretty tired of it and it's worn me out. I don't really want to do anymore of that.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Once and never again.

What was your heartbreak story?
My teenage heart throb. I screwed everything up so she broke up with me and I learnt a lot of harsh lessons in a short amount of time.

What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for a girl?
I'm quite a romantic really, I took a girl to Paris without either of our parents knowing when we were fifteen for the weekend.
I've done a treasure hunt for a girl once that lasted three days, all the way around London, giving her clues to a present.
I'd say I'm pretty romantic.

What's the worst quality a girl could have?
Lying. I'm actually physically into any girl but if they chat shit, then that's the worst possible thing a girl could do.

Describe your first kiss.
About ten years ago I was a littl'un and I kissed a girl that I was on holiday with, it was amazing I was really confused but I was really enjoying it and then I tried to find her that night.
So I walked up to where she lived but she was getting in a car and I could see her a mile away. It was too far away for me to do anything about it.

What's your worst ever sexual experience?
Probably getting caught by parents in the kitchen of my house, with a girl I loved very much. They knew we were going out but they walked in from a night out and we were on the kitchen table.

Oops.

Words: Kylie Griffiths
Photos: Wade Fletcher

Smash and Grab do Reading and Leeds

The weekend before last was Reading and Leeds.
We got off to a great start when Tabitha got stuck in Romford being told every minute detail of our bus.
We passed the time with some arts and crafts.

Tabitha claimed we could "ask anything" about the bus, but we never learnt how to open a window or use the electricity over the course of the weekend.

We got to Reading in time to catch the end of Florence's set as well as see Jamie T and The Black Lips.

Friday night was Florence's birthday party at Smash and Grab. As a present Barcardi supplied Florence with a FREE Mojito bar. Good birthday present.

Temporary technical hitch meant the decks broke. Florence stepped up to save the day.

Strong team.

Florence, Grace and Jess "getting low"

My favorite guy at Reading. Nice string vest.

Grimmy doing some kind of weird claw.


Sexual aerobics.


Alex Miller bought the fun. There was a gaping hole without his killer moves at Leeds.

We bought some excited crowd members up onto the stage. It's a shame the guy I bought up had taken so many pills he'd lost the ability to move.

Must have put on a "GASH!" song. Sorry Tabitha.

Being super organized in Leeds.

Scottee got "womb envy" and pretended he had ovaries. Pretty realistic.



Good dress Sally.

More sexual aerobics.

The most terrifying man in Leeds.

This dress is the most colorful, as well as the most painful item of clothing, I have ever worn to date.


Smash Singalong with Scottee and Theo


More Sexual Aerobics.

"If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it"


Words: Kylie Griffiths
Photos: Zoe Jenkin

Amazing Baby talk Love, Kissing and Peeing on girls

Last week Amazing Baby played Smash Live. I cornered Will Roan and Simon O'Conner for a chat after their amazing set for a chat about love and peeing on girls.

Smash and Grab: So you guys are Amazing baby.

Will: Simon and I extensively created and massage Amazing Baby.

SAG: What is your favorite love song?
W: My favorite love song is 'Moments" by The Kinks.
S: Good call. My favorite love song is "The First Girl I Ever Loved" by the Incredible String Band


SAG: Why are they your favorite love songs?
W: Well mine was one I discovered, it's a rare Kinks song, that's not on the album it's just on a soundtrack. It's really good. You can listen to as not as a love song, just listen to on your stereo and just be stoked. It's actually a really beautiful song. I made a mix for a girl and that was the first song she wrote me back about and was like "I love that song", so then I covered it for her.

SAG: Do you reckon that's one of the most romantic things you've ever done for a girl?
W: I actually think it might be, I actually called her out on it, how she didn't respect how romantic that was.

SAG: Did she not think it was romantic?
W: I think she did, kinda, I did get the girl, so in the end it's all good.

SAG: Have you ever been in love?
S: Oh yeah.
W: I think love's something you have to approach from situation to situation. In general you fall in love when you're young then you don't accept that love exists for a while. I think you now and again you do get sparked with the love bug which is kind of irrational .
S: The first time I felt love was when I was 13 and it hasn't got any easier, life does not get any easier, relationships are hard work and they're worth it.

SAG: Describe you first kiss.
W: I remember my first kiss, it was with Alexa. I was in kindergarten. I was in competition with one another dude to be kissing her cause she was the hot ass kindergarten chick. There is always the hot ass kindergarten chick, am i wrong?
S: No you're right! Mine was Sylvia. I took her to see "Ace Ventura" with my mum on a date. She didn't realize it was a date cause we were nine. I asked her out again and she punched me in the nose and made my nose bleed all over my face and I started pulling her hair a lot and that was our relationship.


SAG: What was your worst ever sexual experience?
W:The first time I ever had sex. The first time I ever had sex I was seventeen, I'd had a couple of blow jobs and had like intimate friendships, way before that ever happened. There was this girl and she was really cool. We're still friends and I see her like once a year. But she decided we were gonna have sex it wasn't like we were dating or anything. She'd already had sex like once, so she decided.
So it was really weird. We had sex and I had a stereo to my advantage, so I put on "Hunky Dory" by David Bowie and it was so shitty. It was the shittiest record to play while I was boning for the first time. I had no idea what i was doing.
S: My first bone was also my worst. It's because i was 13 years old and I couldn't ejaculate. So she was older and was telling me to do this and that, so she told me to cum so I pushed down on muscles that I thought might make me cum but instead I started peeing, and I peed all over her.

SAG: Woah, Romantic..American Girls or English Girls?
W: American Girls I personally have only liked American girls , the only English girl I've ever liked was a little too posh for me.
S: American Girls, we grew up with them, we know them we love them.
W: Although, some of the hottest girls I've ever liked were British.


SAG: What's the worst quality a girl could have?
W: When girls think they know "What's up".
S: When a girl is into rap because of her boyfriend.
SAG: Do you think love's forever?
S: Yes absolutely.
W: The first person I ever loved, I still love even though I do not expect to see them ever again.

SAG: How many times have you been in love?
W: Once, actually once and a half.
SAG: A half?
S: There's been a couple of halves I bet.
W: Not true, it's been once and a half.
S: I've been in love three times, but the third time which is my girlfriend now is unbelievable its the same feeling that I got when I was fourteen but now its got so much awesome shit attached to it. You need to find someone,who you love first and then they become you're best friend.

Words: Kylie Griffiths
Photographs: Wade Fletcher